On This Day Last Year

Dear Baby Girl,
A year ago today, mommy found out about you baby. It was a little after 9pm and I had been praying for clarity and a sign and then this knowing feeling came to me. I knew. I tried to fight it but it was just strong and I knew I had to find out for myself. So I did. It was the most terrifying time of my life but somehow I knew I’d be okay. I was alone (your dad was away at Army training) and I did not know what to do with myself but I knew that I needed you. I wanted you, my baby. I kept wondering if I was ready but truth is, you’re never ready to be a parent. Even when you think you are.

In all honesty, this past year has been a rollercoaster of experiences but they’re all experiences that have made me closer to you. Nothing will come close to the love I carry in my heart for you; the love that only seems to get bigger every day. Each day, I wake up feeling blessed to have you. Because of you I am stronger and because of you I know what true love is. It’s selfless and always growing. Every step I take is with you in mind. Everything I do is to make sure mommy is giving you the best life possible, the best experiences, the best environment. It’s complex in many ways but I need you. A day without you is a day that I could never live because you are my entire life. My universe revolves around you, Chloe. Every day I get to learn something new about you. I live for everything you do. I love that when you see me you smile and your eyes light up. I love how determined you are to learn new things. I love that if I come to play, you give me a knowing smile because all we do is have fun. You’re just amazing and your personality is even more so. I’ve never met a happier baby! You are so talkative with your baby babble and so aware. There’s a million things that I could point out. You’re just perfect! MY perfect child. I literally can’t thank God more for blessing me with you but I try every day. Seeing you grow is one of the important things I’ve ever done and I hope that as you get older, we continue to be as close as we are. I want you to understand that mommy will do whatever she needs to for you. Whenever you need anything, I’m here. I know my first instinct will always be to protect you but I’ll always be here when you need me. All I pray for is that your life is full of happiness and blessings and that I can raise you to be someone who never gives up, who always sees the good in the world and that always tries to make the best choices. I pray that you learn to walk through life gracefully and that you accomplish everything set in your path. You are so innocent and so beautiful and I know that you are destined for some amazing things. All I want is the best for you. You’re still a baby but time is just going so fast and I don’t want to miss anything. I feel like I’m going to wake up and you’re going to be 3, 5, 15, 18, 21 and so on. I feel like I was just pregnant and now you are four months old. It makes me wish time would slow down but we’re building so many memories together and have so many more to build. Chloe, thank you for making me a better person and teaching me what it means to be a mom. I love you beyond words and today will forever be a reminder of how life can change in an instant. A year ago today I was questioning if I was fit to be a mother, I was scared and nervous and I didn’t know what I was going to do but I knew I wanted you, I knew I’d try my best. It wasn’t just about me anymore.

Today, I know this is what I’m meant to be. Your mom. Motherhood has taught me how strong I can be. How far my limits can be pushed. How much I am willing to sacrifice for my baby girl. Mommy loves you so much and every day with you is a blessing. It’s hard at times because I have so much on my plate but you are my number one priority. You make me happy every day and a simple smile can lighten up the darkest of days. There’s a moment in every person’s life that sets motion to a change and this day was it for me. The day I found out, I knew life would never be the same and I needed that. I need you. You are my miracle. My life. My guiding light. I push every day because I know I have you watching me. I have to be the best version of myself because I am teaching you what a woman should be like. I can’t afford to slip up because you are counting on me. I know sometimes I don’t have it all together but one look at you and things come together for me. You are everything to me and without you there wouldn’t be me. I love you Chloe. Mommy loves you with all she’s got. You are the single most amazing thing in my life and that will never change because there is nothing in this world that compares to you đź’–

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